April 1, 2018

The weekend got away in a good way. I spent Saturday with some new friends, bouncing around New York from food festival to bar to dinner to another bar. I left at a respectable 10pm and slept hard.

Today was Easter and I spent a better part of the day with the family and breakfast foods. It always feels like a tornado of activity. My brother did most of the hosting and threw together the scrambled eggs, sausages, and organized some pickups for bagels, rolls, and the rest. Plus, my mom and him bought a new rug and laid it down the night before while I was out getting beers and hanging with new friends.

All in all, it was a good time, and I was glad to spend it. Now I'm thinking about the beginning of the week, and keeping it cool and quiet, sitting in my living room with the lights off and the breeze rolling in.

I want to start running but there is no good track nearby my apartment. Sprinting is the goal, actually. Which becomes a bit harder when it's almost guaranteed to snow a bit tomorrow morning. Damn.

Plus, I've been rolling around this idea of the internet being too much for the brain but the structure hasn't hit me enough to publish yet.

I've been reading Steven Pressfield's War of Art, so the concept of Resistance just becomes clearer. And I'm glad to write these ten-minute blogs, but I really need to start publishing and with that, going pro. Pressfield considers going pro to be a change in mindset and professionalism. It's not about money, it's a commitment and seriousness to fight Resistance on a regular basis. And I want to get there but I think I'd be lying to myself right now if I said I already decided. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for to agree to go pro, but I'm almost there. I think the publishing goes side by side. 

It's a decision. And I think these short blogs are my daily fight. I want to make art. I want to write down my thoughts. No one is here to stop me but me. And it's been good so far. Keep going.

The fear is that I'll publish something undone. But most art is, right? Who knows? You can't know how others are going to take it. You just need to know what you're comfortable with doing in order to do more. I don't want to spend two weeks on a blog post that doesn't deserve two weeks. I want to publish and move on. Get topics under my belt. Write like a writer. Like a pro.

I'm thinking while I'm typing that life would be so different if this needed to be written on a typewriter. Either I'd need to go to typing class to get better, or think a bit slower so as to not type the wrong letters or words. White-out would not be enough. So many mistakes. But hell that's the whole idea. Get better. Move on.

Tomorrow is Monday after all. A great time to start, if not now.

Where did I leave the internet argument?
Marshall McLuhan's light bulb idea introduces the concept that a medium shapes your world, not necessarily the content.
The Internet has created a world of wonders - instant communication, entertainment, and access with the cost of our personal information, surveillance, and attention attacks. It's a whole new world.

But what am I trying to say that's even more interesting and funny about it?

Are we headed for trouble? Are we doing it wrong? What's up?

March 30, 2018

There is so much to take notice of that it's hard to know what matters. What really moves us anymore? 

That's almost to the point I think I'm trying to make with the blog post I'm writing besides this daily one. I've been trying to focus more on sitting down to write and fight Resistance. 

It hit me today when I was listening to a podcast although I'm not sure the podcast had to do with it. I've been thinking quite a bit about this weightlifting concept called "greasing the groove". It's a term coined by the powerlifting coach from Russia responsible for bringing the kettlebell craze to America. The "grease the groove" method is simple in concept and simple in practice. If you want to get better at doing pushups, for example, you should do a lot of pushups. Seems bro simple, right? But the "grease the groove" idea comes from the fact that your muscles and nerves are trainable, and by doing a few pushups every hour, for example, you can stay well-rested, active, and still put in work to re-sculpt and train not only your body, but your mind.

Taking that bit of exercise science away, I've been thinking about how often and how I write. It could be another form of Resistance but I think a lot about how I can make the process of writing the easiest and most disciplined it can be so I don't make other dumb decisions instead of writing. Like if I wake up to sprint or lift or just roll around every morning instead of writing even a ten-minute blog, I'm failing to Resistance. And in thinking about this whole discipline and process, I realized I'm throwing myself in the deep end. I'm writing every spare minute of the day, and possibly burning myself out, instead of being satisfied with showing up every single day, not unlike training at the gym.

I think the same can be said about diet too, right? If you want to eat healthier, the best diet is the one you keep for the long-term. It's not about crash dieting to lose some poundage. Almost any diet can do that steadily in the short-term. If you want to be healthy, you need to make something work every single day for you. 

And with that being said, I've been happy to be writing. Even this nonsense.

What did I read about today?

There is this idea from a designer that all other tech designers should be licensed professionals, specifically for the way they are able to affect individual and societal behavior. They don't go to school for any kind of ethical design. It is literally possible to call yourself a designer without any credentials or experience, and people can believe you. And now the things our world, our society is designing has real-life consequences, like the person that was killed by the automated car in Arizona.

We need to do better. For the betterment of everyone else.

I read a tweet that nailed a bit of how I feel financially about the millennial situation. She was a financial planner of some kind but she hit it on the button. My generation has been forced to take on student debt, graduate into a recession, pressured to purchase a house and a car and raise some kids. There is more that I can't remember, but I think even that's enough. We're in a pickle and although society is not maliciously out to get us because it's society after all, there are much larger forces out there guiding this ship in an unfortunate way.

March 29, 2018

I almost didn't write anything here because I had such a good session writing for a bigger project. But I started to think about Pressfield's idea of Resistance and I could only see my inability to write ten minutes more as a form of me resisting.

I went down a rabbit hole tonight about the Internet. I was thinking about the Marshall McLuhan quote "the message is the meaning" for some reason. It led me to Wikipedia where I found McLuhan explaining that a lightbulb can be a medium that creates an environment that wouldn't exist at nighttime. It lights the place up and creates a space. The technology changes the way we interact and extend into the world.

And that had me thinking about how I could reflect on the Internet and the Information Age, as they call it.

I didn't want to sound like an old, bitter Internet-hater so I'm trying to find a way to analyze the Internet as the medium of our time. It's honestly amazing what it has done to the way we live. And I could easily start talking about the troubles Facebook and the billions of users it has are having but that's not the idea.

I kept thinking about the Internet being too much for the single human brain. We didn't evolve to be able to do all the insane things the Internet can do for each of us. You barely need money, you just need access, and you can find porn and books and uber rides anywhere and online dating and free events in the city and Blue Apron meals to your door or anything else you want. That's just too much power for someone to walk through this life and make productive, deeper decisions.

And I feel like it might get even wilder with the oncoming integration of augmented reality. How can we live our lives then? What will the technology do? 

I'm no expert and I can't predict it. I don't want to. I just want to think out loud, and, honestly, laugh at it.

I started listening to Carlin and Rogan to get some inspiration on how to close a bit. I didn't know how to write myself out of these Internet Age thoughts. And then I found myself wondering if I should really focus on making my writing funny. I really enjoy how Rogan's words and act itself can take me off-guard and make me laugh. It's so interesting and I hope I can do the same with this blog. Or something else in the future.

With that being said, I was inspired by a visit at the office from a former coworker today. He announced he would be leaving the company on my second day about four months ago. He left to explore South America with his girlfriend for four months, and he did! And that's possible! It sounded so amazing, and I hope I find the time and the energy and the woman to do that some time in my life. 

Consider it another of the million tiny decisions we need to make with this internet world.

Not unrelated, I made the decision to try and learn some Javascript. Mostly for my job. It would help the job now and I'm sure it's not going anywhere, considering the words above again.

I read some stories this afternoon too. My mental capacity for office work fails at 4pm, without a doubt, so I started reading some articles I had saved and I found an interview with Brain Pickings author Maria Popova and her definition of content. She is turned off by the term. It pulls the soul out of the work. It sounds like it is machine-made.

March 28, 2018

It just occurred to me that some writers might just write in the morning. Like this. Ten minutes. And make a book out of it. Someone like Liz Gilbert. I remember her talking about it in Big Magic, where she spent years grindin' while waitressing at a diner and a million other blue-collar jobs. 

Austin Kleon talks quite a bit about it too - the idea that most working writers are working at a job and moonlighting on their art. That makes me feel better for making the conscious decision now - at 8:47 - to be like "no, I'll stay up late. I'm an adult." I think I was relishing in the discipline of going to bed and getting eight hours, specifically because some weight-lifting coach I heard said you should be sleeping more than normal for the muscle to grow and take. And I thought hey why not? Why not sleep more? But honestly it's starting to feel like the time between me coming home and me getting to do anything is shorter and shorter. And it's my own decision, when honestly I probably could enjoy another hour before bed if I didn't throw it away with nonsense chores I can do some other time. Sorry, recycling. Things need to get done. Or sometimes nothing at all. Just chillin with some tunes on and lights off and writing these words.

Okay, now, what happened in my thoughts today?

I finally visualized what I want to do to my living room, mostly in anticipation of warmer weather and open windows. I'd like to add some places in here and large artwork on the walls. A real masterpiece. Something to add to the atmosphere.

I read an article this morning on the train entitled "We're All Fascists Now". It is about the progressive tendency to call anyone with slightly offensive ideas a "fascist" when there is a great big world out there with much clearer fascists and problems to boot. Like, I read Chinese people can't search for the words "Animal Farm" or "disagree" on the Web. Like Google will be like "Did you mean "agree" with the government?"

I found out Stephen Colbert's middle name is Tyrone through a clip where Tom Segura told a story about almost becoming Jared's brother on a Subway commercial series. His character was going to originally be named Tyrone - a typically black name, according to Segura. And I had a small text discussion about this with Rob and Rob felt it was an awkward and painful discussion because they assumed Jon, the black band leader, could comment and be an authority on the black name phenomenon. I didn't see it as quite as painful but I did feel something there. 

What it made me realize more than anything is I miss bullshittin' with Rob after dinner, just laying around and cracking jokes and talking about things. 

Oh we found out Facebook is logging calls and text records from Android users. Good god. I started to honestly consider getting off there. What do I use it for now anyway? Maybe some party invites? Maybe to see if my mom is sharing her social security number? 

March 27, 2018

I thought I might change this daily process up a bit. It started to feel too much like a babbling diary, and that's not the point I set out to make.

What I'm trying to do is push up against the Resistance of publishing my thoughts and start to think more critically and consciously of things. Think a bit more deeply. Think a bit more on top of one another. And I won't do that without putting words down at all.

With that being said, I want to turn this into a daily journal of the thoughts or ideas that might have moved me. 

Let's try it:
I had a lunch time conversation about Wild Wild Country, the documentary series on Netflix about this massive cult. I'm not entirely sure where the story goes although there was some foreshadowing to orgies and poison and power dynamics in the first episode I watched last night. But mostly it's interesting to me to know that there were thousands of people in this world, and plenty still living (I suppose), that moved to Oregon to exist around the body of the guru, the man they called Osho. They did mention dynamic breathing and chaotic dances and the freedom of sex, so I can't help think this is just going to get more unbelievable. To the freakshow!

I watched Weekly Weird News on YouTube and found out the platypus might save us all from the real threat of futuristic super bugs. Everyone that's made the mistake of taking a half a dose of antibiotics, or too many antibiotics too often when you really had a virus, might thank the platypus for its milk. That's right, platypussies have milk. And no nipples. They basically excrete it and their young lap it up. Or something like that. But basically because the milk just shoots out of them into the atmosphere, it needs to be strong enough to kill any other bacteria that might attack. And now scientists are studying it for the future hope that it would save humans. Thanks, you weird animals, you!

I dismantled a sofa section in my kitchen this evening with a razor, so it's easier to throw out in pieces.

I heard about the Kama Sutra position called the Herd of the Cattle where five women sit on a man's thumbs, big toes, and dick. Don't ask.

I sat around for a bit listening to Alan Watts talk about how Americans don't really enjoy pleasure. But he quickly curved into economics and gold standards so I turned the lecture off, and I'm sure I'll watch more Wild Wild Country to go deeper.

What else?
I made plans to go to Smorgasburg in Williamsburg this weekend.
Rob got a tweet reply from StarTalk.
If I want to have children and still travel around with my sweetheart, I might need to date someone a bit younger than myself, someone with a bit more time on their biological clock. But who knows!?

It's getting warmer and I can't wait to enjoy it.

March 26, 2018

It's only been a few days of journaling but it's starting to feel like I need to make a course correction. The daily diary is a reflection of what I'm doing at the time, and I don't think I remember well enough to start spewing what I want to think about a bit longer.

In other words, I want to make a change. The idea is to come up with ideas. The idea is to give myself some time to think, and I'm not quite doing that. I'm just spraying words for ten minutes and throwing it out there. Better than nothing, but not good enough. Not the idea.

Where did I get this? I was listening to Daniel H. Pink on The Tim Ferriss Show podcast. They were talking about logging and reviewing bad ideas, and while I think writing every day for at least ten minutes is a good exercise in momentum, it's not bringing me closer to the time I'd like to spend asking questions and writing stories about this weird world, this freakshow.

Watching Wild Wild Country was a good motivator tonight. It's amazing to me that this story of magnitude, as far as I know so far, has never crossed my eyes. It's the stuff left out of textbooks. It's the stories that mean something but we're not sure why. Maybe no one stopped to question it. There was too much regular life going on to sit and think. And sometimes, more today than ever before, that's a god-given luxury. Think. Write. Share it around.

The thing about writing for ten minutes was that I didn't want to think too hard and not put anything on the "page". Now I'm running into problems not thinking much or deeply at all. There must be a happy medium, a better way.

I could read an article and spend five minutes trying to go deep into a hole with it. Really explore. At least then it would feel like a start I could come back to and restart.

At least it's only ten minutes. The pivot isn't enormous. It's just experimental.

I started reading about Jordan Peterson today. Or I should say I read a new take on him. The article was written by someone on the Vox team, exploring the two kind of faces Peterson is portraying. There is a weird contingent of young, white dudes that see his refusal to say pronouns and the like as an act of strength and bravery and conservatism. I always thought Peterson had some interesting ideas about character traits and personal agency and responsibility. But it's always more complicated than a few sentences. And I haven't finished this article anyways.

But that's a good history lesson I'm sure someone will look back to explore years from now, and we're in the middle of it. Who is Jordan Peterson? What are the subjects of the day? Where do we go from here?

Starbucks has a new beverage - the crystal ball frappuccino. I saw the sign this morning after joking with some new friends that they really haven't broken out and experimented lately. I wonder if Starbucks lost the battle with another local coffee shop that invented the unicorn frap.

March 25, 2018

Sometimes I'm glad the weekend feels like it got away from me. There are too many decisions to be made about how to spend my time that almost having the 9-to-5 works to calm my erratic brain. I know how bad that sounds. Or maybe it just sounds bad to me. I don't like the idea of being comforted by putting in some hours but I know there are other decisions to be made. There are always decisions to be made and I struggle with it. I suppose I struggle because I delay them. I plan. I obsess to a point.

I think the problem boils down to the fact that there is no right answer. There is no final exam. Or at least as far as I know. And so the idea of finding the perfect activity to make the most of right now doesn't make any sense. What's the most present-fulfilling activity right now? It's subjective, sure, but does it mean we all have ideal lives to live? Or is it more levels of potential?

I think this was particularly compounded after saying a goodbye of sorts to Maxine for the next few months. I was burnt out from a meet-up with some strangers earlier in the day that by the time I was there for Maxine's party, I couldn't find it in myself to make conversation above the loud music and drunk bystanders. I think I left around 10pm with a quick goodbye and some terrible staged photos Maxine and I tried to take.

What really threw me off too was this guy, John. He arrived a bit later than the rest of the crew assembled for some dinner beforehand, but when I started asking Drew, Maxine's boyfriend and a personal trainer himself, about some sciatic pain I was experiencing, Drew pointed to John. "He would know more than me." So I asked John what he thought I could do preemptively for the nerve pain. He asked me what I'm doing. "Weight lifting? Squats?" "Yeah." "Ok, stop that." Just "stop that"!? And Maxine and Drew nodded on like they heard John provide this prescription a million times before. Something about the gluts being the center of all muscles. Honestly, I didn't know how to question it and he didn't provide much else past that, so I was left dumbfounded with this philosophy of never weight-training. Just sprinting and eating healthy. I know it's not a scientific fact to "believe in," but the arrogance and certainty of John's answer bothered me. And mostly because I never even thought to question the entire concept of weight-lifting. I always thought it made sense to strain and train your muscles. And on the other hand I've been reading some interesting new concepts lately that have forced me to ask questions about the right way to lift those weights - like resting every four minutes between a set, which, by the way, feels like an eternity.

And so I left the bar, half disappointed that I had no energy to hang and half worried I've been going about it wrong all along. 

It circles back to the anxiety of decision-making. The fear boiled up that I had been following the wrong path of working out for the past eight weeks when I've been feeling proud for just doing it. You know, Nike. 

And now I feel like I need to do more research. Always more research. Research and planning. Instead of doing and going.

But this is my existential funk - decisions. My weekend is one big fight to make up my damn mind. And luckily some good things come out of it, and I can thank my lucky stars I'm near a great city and I can make friends and drink clean water and everything else. But sometimes when it boils down to the core question of this whole experiment, I'm left wondering and it trips me up.

Tomorrow is Monday and another chance to run this experiment the best way I possibly can. It starts somehow.

March 24, 2018

Two days into this new routine and I had to skip one because I hit the gym in the morning and the bar at night. Of course, that's ridiculous, because it's ten minutes of uninterrupted thinking and writing and I realize now how stupid this sounds.

I'm glad to have some plans this weekend. In a few hours, I'm meeting a bunch of strangers at an Australian cafe called Coco & Cru. It's part of the Greet start-up, where you offer a short bio and some times and dates you can make, and you meet strangers of all walks of life. 

And tonight I have Maxine's "going-away" party because she is headed out to Georgia soon to start the Appalachian Trail. How wild! I can't even fathom sleeping or camping or anything like that for more than two days in a row. But maybe that's just me. I'm sure she is super pumped.

I just finished watching Seth Godin talk on the Inside Quest, or Impact Theory show, as it turned into. Godin has a way of just breaking down things, specifically when it comes to business, marketing, creativity, or education, and making it clear. To be honest, this idea for some daily notes was born out of a podcast Seth did about writer's block. There is no such thing. You don't have talker's block. A plumber, as Seth said in the episode, doesn't get plumber's block. So you can write. And write constantly. And my hope is that by publishing these notes daily, even for ten minutes, I can battle that voice in my head that says there is nothing to say, or there is everything to say, so don't share that with everyone. So here we are.

What did I explore this week that fits the freakshow bill?

The big news yesterday was Elon Musk deleted Tesla and SpaceX's Facebook pages. I thought that was pretty funny. The world slowly turning on Facebook and Elon Musk turning the knife in Zuckerberg's back. I guess the time will come when Facebook fades into the sunset. No one said it had to last forever, and, hell, maybe it will open the door for a better way to connect with high schools friends we never talk to.

Gosh, what else? Did I just think and write "gosh"? Yuck.

Annmarie and I went to the beer garden last night. Her fiance, Dan, stuck it out for a bit too, but he is more of a homebody, and I don't blame him. It turned into a nightclub around 10pm, right when Annmarie and I were discussing feminism and sports, and interior design for my apartment. It's a trap how much fun it is to be tipsy and bullshitting at a bar. I think those conversations get me into trouble because I just keep drinking to keep the good times rolling. I need a podcast.

Another friend, Thomas, asked me why I haven't tried to do that yet, and, to be honest, I probably will. What am I waiting for? Maybe for my best friend to move back onto this coast. I don't want to do a podcast by myself, it would sound like these wild ramblings but in audio, downloadable form. No thanks.

It does make me think, or rather, remember that most people in this world don't make content others read. Almost half the people on Twitter have never tweeted even once. (It could be those are all the Russian bots, but hey!) The vast majority of people don't regularly write blogs, or make movies, or sing songs. It is a small percentage of people not just on the radio or the screen but those that show up. Because, as this blog is an experiment in proving, it's scary. It feels unnecessary. But if one person digs it beyond me, that's a win. That's worth ten whole mindless minutes a day.

March 22, 2018

Last night was an interesting experiment in writing. It felt good. Just let everything out and share it. Even if it sucks. It might be a good start for something new.

What else? I'm still unsure what bigger topics I'd like to write about and the weekend is fast approaching. I'd like to keep it consistent and publish on Sundays, given the weekend offers a bit more time than a random weekday every week. Or maybe I'm wrong and I can set a schedule for a weekday. I'd do that if I was on a sports team or something. "Sorry, I'm busy!"

Either way, I think it's worth trying to focus on something cool enough I want to write something bigger.

No reading yet, just think and write for ten minutes.

My mind is still swimming a bit with the last article I read for this blog, but I know I took in more of the world. I think I need to pay more attention to my daily conversations, and twist them into deeper thoughts. I know Louie and I chatted about international travel at lunch because he'll be heading back home to Paris in a week, and then off to the Philippines for two to visit a friend. He asked if I ever traveled alone and all I had was my cross-country roadtrip. Which I'm fine with. It was a great experience.

I watched Abstract - an episodic series on Netflix about different genres of art. This episode was about Ilse Crawford, an interior designer, formerly editor of Elle Decoration magazine, which apparently is a big deal. In her interior design practice, she broke down a room first to the sensual experience. She chose materials based on the senses the room should evoke. I really enjoyed her idea of how the details and design of a room determine what feelings and emotions you can take from it. It made me think about the spaces I inhabit regularly. I want to make my living room more cozy but contain an office too. I think my office at work needs help. Our chairs don't roll and then cram under a long, cheap table. But that's start-up life, so I suppose it makes sense to invoke that feeling. Simple, cheap, versatile. Until we start making some bigger bucks.

I had a thought before bed about how I'll miss the snowy nights when they're gone. Everyone is so ready for winter to be over but in that moment I was already missing it. A snow day is a rare thing, and it's nice to snuggle up on the couch and watch the cold from behind the window. You can order takeout guilt-free and relax. 

The weekend is nearing and I have a few plans but not enough. It's not good enough to keep the weekend unplanned. I'll start getting indecisive. Right now, there is Maxine's party Saturday night and a Greet meet-up at 12:30. Saturday is pretty solid. I think on Sunday I might need to do the domestic and design thing and make it to Ikea and start cooking a new recipe. Start the week off right. And publish, of course.

There are a good pile of books staring me in the face every day. I half-finished Jordan Peterson's book. I restarted and half-finished The Obstacle is The Way. I didn't even crack Conspiracy. 

I'm pretty happy with my commitment to working out lately. It's been more than six weeks and now I'm really committing to drinking less, sleeping more, and eating the right amount. Perhaps that's something to dive deeper into when writing for the blog?

I don't know. It might be good for a ramble in the daily notes, but what I like to do is think about human behavior. That's always been the muse. That's why the daily diary should be more about the past day.

March 21, 2018

Set the timer for ten minutes and start spillin'.

It's tough when my schedule gets interrupted in the morning by working out. Do I need to wake up even earlier? Is it what I really want to do? To ignore any chance for weekday fun after work because I have a plan to always get home and always go to bed early and always sleep perfectly and always wake up ready for the day? These questions seem unfair. 

What's a more productive question? How can I feel accomplished writing every day? Do I need all the things to run smoothly? No. Especially because the more I think of ideas, the foggier and busier it gets. 

What are my ideas for writing more consistently? Besides writing? Yes. Well, shit. Well, reading the news and writing index cards. Writing index cards with ideas and quotes too. Fuck, listening to podcasts. Reading books too. YouTube videos. Culture all around. Morning pages are helpful for dumps like this. So the problem, as it often is, is indecision. 

Why can't I decide? Cause there is no formula for whatever it is you're trying to do. Oh, I like that - talk in second(?), third(?) person more. 

Talk like a benevolent but stern best friend. 

You need to write. That's first and foremost. What did Seth Godin say? No one has writer's block. Plus, the more you write, even like this, the better the audience and pool and possibility. And opportunity? Sure.

Gather up sources if you want but don't let it overshadow the writing. You need to do the writing. Build if you need to build. 

But at least publish something, one thing, every week. There are only 52 every year. That's not enough. Seth Godin has 7,000. Granted, he is a machine. But he started somewhere too. I don't go back and read his worst shit. I'm in the now. Because one thing hit me first. And I don't even remember that either!

No one is following your story as closely as you are. Unless you're famous and did something bad. Then, and maybe only then, are you fucked.

I keep thinking back to Theo Von. He was fucking hilarious on What's Happening or whatever it's called. This is not happening.

I like his style and I wish I could write more like that. Of course, I'm not from the South but it's possible. Parts. And I could write about why I like him too.

Start to think in the long tail. What can people resonate with? What can people enjoy or share? Theo Von. Sure.

Or Derek Sivers. People other people don't know work.

Maybe I need to start publishing and adding and editing my rules. Things I've learned while I start publishing constantly.

Damn now what? I checked the phone and my writing string fell off. 

Ugh, the problem is deciding what to write. But I think that's Resistance too. Just decide and conquer. That might even be the first rule.

It doesn't have to be something I read from that week.

I need a public daily diary. Something just to start formulating ideas.

And go back to? Can't I do that here? Write like a demon.

I think the idea of sitting down to write is that you write full sentences that people could read if you had to publish it right now, from your brain to the computer.

Maybe.

I like the style when I'm writing but it needs editing. That's almost my favorite part. Actually, both are great. Like this, right now, I know it's not important. Shit. Maybe I don't need to write every thought but that's me resisting, internalizing, and slowing shit down.

Write a few lines every time you have a thought, or

write every single thought to keep the train going?

I think the problem with the train is you don't go far from yourself when thinking. It's all I and me. BUT I might need to train myself. And sit down here and ramble out my thoughts to remember what I read for the day and then riff off that. Then you're off to the races. And, well, shit, it's how I imagine watching Hunter Thompson would be like. Or at least that's how they dramatized his inner monologue. I find it funny. Maybe that would be my style. But shit people would get sick of that if it's not integral to the story. But maybe it can be. Make my daily diary a bit more public and people would enjoy my wondering out loud. Hmmm.

Let's try with the science article from this morning. Or last morning.

In 2018, it's still unclear if adult human beings create new neurons.

It's been a century-long debate. Scientists can't agree and nail down a definitive method of investigation. They're like existential detectives. I'd like to be one, but without all those beakers and measurements.

The most recent development of the debate is a new study that looked inside a bunch of human brains and didn't find any new neurons. That's the problem.

If the story right now is about new neurons, how should I frame it for future, better blog posts?
Is it meant to shoot me laterally to another similar subject or deeper into this subject?
I don’t find myself sticking with one thing like the brain, so let’s wander around this subject to pull out something of interest I could hunt down. Or a theme to overarch this story and others.

I would really like to be the guy that gets high and writes every night. This is nice. Well, maybe, because I’m high. But shit I’m finding the rhythm to get back to writing. I feel a bit myself right now. Introspective and having fun losing myself in something instead of making it a chore to finish before everything else. I don’t like the professional journalist idea of words per minute and what not. It’s good to get fast but not the big idea. It’s poetic wandering. Shit, I think I just worry about losing good stuff to my memory. I need to write and take notes and fear reviewing or losing or whatever. But it’s all right now isn’t it? 

My ramblings might sound a bit insane if read aloud. But I’d imagine that’s everyone’s internal monologue right?

I’m writing to explore, so why not get messy with it? With the daily diary?

Let’s get back to the science article. 

What if the daily diary was this rambling? Unedited? Then I can return the next day or week later and review? I could do it without anyone seeing.

The idea that people won’t read this is resistance too. 

It’s an exercise in me finding more solid topics to write about.

I like the breeze coming through the window so much I open the windows during snowstorms. Something about the wind makes it feel like it’s more alive. Even if it’s cold and dropping snowflakes on my floor.

Maybe start with a topic or an article like the new neuron story and then try to make a point while rambling?

Well shit, all of that past morning and all of tonight would be dropped in. Or should I do some light editing? I don’t know if any edit is good. The idea is to clarify my thinking so I like the idea of writing my digressions because it is unedited but I’m still typing away and hopefully making sense. 

That would be funny too - when I have run-on sentences and I’m not sure what to make of them. 

And how about setting a time limit for these daily diary posts? Might be for the best considering the size of these things and I’m on #1. Ugh and I don’t like that I’ll be posting this one. But oh well, you need to start somewhere and if there is any theme in this first article (of which I’m now semi-self-referential about), it’s that it is a work in progress and I need to start and, most importantly, I’m actively fighting the thing Steven Pressfield calls Resistance. Publish. You can do it.

Am I going to make this one particularly long because I don’t know where to stop if I’m just writing what I’m thinking about anything and everything and right now? Just so I can flow?

The best idea would be to put a bow on the idea of adult human beings not making new neurons. What’s the big idea here? For you? For me? The idea is we don’t know what happens in the meatloaf making these words on the screen. I’m typing away because my brain controls my fingers but I think if this experiment works out, we will see that the brain does way more confusing things than we can understand. Then our brains can understand. FUCK!

That’s a good place to end.

Until tomorrow…

What I don’t like leaving alone is I came up with this idea and too quickly abandoned really thinking deep enough about the brain story. I’m going to return. I want more out of this. Especially when I have time.

Now what? My brain can’t focus on the brain story. 

What I originally thought was funny was thinking about how scientists can’t even agree on things. You’d think the whole field made of facts and a rigorous process to find them would be somewhat definitive, but, nope. They still have fights like brothers on bunk beds. 

And what does it mean if we don’t create new neurons as adults? If they figure this out in another hundred years, right, it’s going to be that adults make them or not. And then what? Then the scientists need to prove their purpose. And then their purpose will unlock a million other cellular doorways. The search continues!

I suppose the distractions are annoying but that’s the idea behind editing. And reading. And using words to meditate. All these public posts might not be meant to be read. I never told you to do it but I figured I’d throw it out there as an experiment. Let’s see how this feels tomorrow morning when I read it.

Oh that’s the other part to decide. When and where to review? But I should do that beyond this post cause you don’t need to read all my inner thoughts. Do you? Get out of my head!

It’s funny to me now but this could get really annoying. Like these run-on thoughts expressed as sentences. Is this helping anyone besides me? Maybe not. But it’s not meant to. I told you not to read this!

It’s a bit like lifting weights. I imagine it’s a muscle to train.

Maybe I can reflect on the day and the article before publishing. Make it a nightly ritual? The problem would be life getting in the way. I want to be flexible at nights. 

Okay, this is getting out of hand. I’m going to end it here, so I can keep thinking without writing. Even thought that’s going to be the future point of this whole experiment. 

Until next time.